futurama

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor: No. Why would I know that? 
%
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
%
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
Professor: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
%
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
%
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
Fry: Okay.
%
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
%
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
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Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah
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Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
Well, that's love for you.
%
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever! 
%
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
%
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
before he got all doughy.
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Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes. 
%
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody. 
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Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
%
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. 
Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
%
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
to announce that I was a jive sucker.
%
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
in his chest can do.
%
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
%
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
some fine imported booty.
%
Leela: Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring. 
%
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
%
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
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Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
Amy: No.
%
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared. 
%
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
Bender: Yes.
Bubblegum: Are you? 
Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
Bubblegum: Are you?!
Bender: No. 
Bubblegum: Deal with it.
%
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
%
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
of patients' bodies....
%
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
%
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank. 
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Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
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Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
chopped up into a patty. 
Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment. 
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Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
Professor: Keep your chin up. 
Fry: Ow, my chin! 
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HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
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Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. 
Fry: I don't wanna. 
%
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
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Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. 
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Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
Leela: Oh, lots of reasons. 
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Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
humanity the way only a woman can. 
Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
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Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel. 
%
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
%
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
absorbed quite a bit of flavor. 
%
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
%
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered. 
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Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
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One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy! 
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One of Bender's kids: Can we have Bender burgers again? 
Bender: No, the cat shelter's onto me.
%
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
feel so not weird.
%
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right. 
Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Hermes: Tally me banana.
Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
Fry: I already did! 
%
Bender: I need a calculator.
Fry: You are a calculator.
Bender: I need a good calculator. 
%
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving 
children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting 
the weight of livestock.
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Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything. 
%
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes. 
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Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
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Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
%
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
take it all and I say enough! 
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Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode.
%
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
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Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas. 
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Loosely confederate colors of Benetton
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Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
%
 Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
%
 Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
%
 Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
%
 Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
%
 Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
%
 Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
%
 Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable. 
%
 Paul: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, 
 I don't wanna be right.
%
 Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto 
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 Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
%
 Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket. 
%
 Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet? 
%
 Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
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 Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures. 
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 Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
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 Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way. 
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 Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
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 Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
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 Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my 
   hips were made of bone. 
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 Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
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 Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
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 Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
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 Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy. 
%
 Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten. 
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 Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
%
 Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering 
   rats' nest called television once and for all. 
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 Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
%
 La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
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 Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. 
%
 Oscar Party 
 No losers admitted
%
 Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask 
%
 Awards ceremony in progress 
 No pooping
%
 Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
%
 Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah! 
%
 Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions. 
%
 Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
%
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat. 
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 Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
%
 Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
%
 Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
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 Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
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 Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free 
%
 Got protoplasm? 
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 Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
%
 Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
%
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke. 
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 Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro. 
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 Zapp: You win again, gravity! 
%
 Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water! 
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 Bender: Oh... your... God.
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 Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
%
 Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
%
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter 
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 Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
%
 Janitor: Oh, marmalade! 
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 Bender: He's a witch! 
%
 Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic! 
%
 Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
%
 Professor: This is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, 
he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
%
 Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
%
 Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
%
 Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
%
 Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
%
 Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man. 
%
 Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
%
 Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
%
 Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
%
 Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
%
 Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it. 
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 Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
%
 Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
%
 Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long 
   boring talk about our relationship.
%
 Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
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 Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew. 
%
 Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk! 
%
 Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
%
 Earth men are real men! 
%
 Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
%
 Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
%
 Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
%
 Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham. 
%
 War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
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Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
%
   Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
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   Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
%
   Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
%
   Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent.... 
%
   Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
%
   Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.  
%
   Gypsy robot: You want to die? 
   Bender: No, I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own.  
%
   Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.  
%
   Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.   
%
   Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.   
%
   Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
%
   Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato. 
%
   Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe.
   Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the 
   most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
%
   Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.  
%
   Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
%
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender 
%
 "Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender 
%
 "Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg 
%
 "If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor 
%
 "Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
%
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor 
%
 "Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor 
%
 "This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor 
%
 "I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor 
%
 "But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender 
%
 "Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry 
%
 "And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor 
%
 "And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
%
"Good news, everyone." -Professor 
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender 
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor 
 "Here it comes." -Bender 
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor 
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender 
%
 "What am I gonna do?" -Fry 
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy 
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness." 
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry 
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
%
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer 
%
 "Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry 
%
 "I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela 
%
 "Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
%
 "Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up." -Leela 
 "Boring? Baseball wasn't...hmmm, so they finally jazzed it up." -Fry 
%
 "Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela 
%
 "I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
%
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor 
%
 "I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry 
%
 "I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela 
%
 "I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry 
%
 "I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender 
%
 "Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela 
%
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer 
%
 "Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender 
%
 "Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry 
%
 "Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender 
%
 "Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent 
%
 "Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
%
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement 
%
 "I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela 
%
 "I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry 
%
 "Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela 
%
 "That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line 
%
 "C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender 
%
 "I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender 
%
 "Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer 
%
 "I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
%
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender 
%
 "Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender 
%
 "Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender 
%
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
%
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
%
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
%
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
%
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
%
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
%
"The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain." *BONK!* "Ow!"
"Okay, we won't eat you!"
 --hippie & Bender
%
"You're vegetarians! Who cares what you do?"
 --Leela
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
%
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
%
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
%
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
%
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?" 
%
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news." 
%
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time." 
%
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned." 
%
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet" 
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom." 
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall." 
%
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man." 
%
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
%
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." 
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser." 
%
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries." 
%
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them." 
%
Pop a Poppler in your mouth 
When you come to Fishy Joe's 
What they're made of is a mystery 
Where they come from no one knows 
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em 
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose. 
%
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola." 
%
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
%
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants." 
%
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me." 
%
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!" 
%
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with 
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..." 
%
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy." 
%
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it." 
%
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?" 
%
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
%
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?" 
%
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending." 
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!" 
%
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress." 
%
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness." 
%
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer." 
%
Hermes: "The poor demented honky." 
%
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device." 
%
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids." 
%
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases." 
%
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed." 
%
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
%
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all." 
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon." 
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?" 
%
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things." 
%
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?" 
%
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop." 
%
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth." 
%
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry." 
%
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star." 
%
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart." 
%
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
%
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online." 
%
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?" 
%
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!" 
%
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun." 
%
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me because I live in a giant
castle." 
%
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass." 
%
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it." 
%
Leela: "If you could change form, why didn't you change it in the one place
that counts?"
%
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?" 
%
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash." 
%
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp." 
%
Fry: "I'm not prejudiced." 
Bender: "Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf." 
%
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?" 
%
Bob Barker: "I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from
skinning you alive... as long as no one wears the skin."

Fry: "How can I live my life if I can't tell good from evil?" 
Bender: "Ah, they're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat."
%
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender 
%
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela 
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender 
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg 
%
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela 
%
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
%
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela 
%
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
%
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry 
%
"Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!" -TV worker guy 
"Like anyone on earth cares." -Fry 
%
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien 
%
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry 
%
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry 
%
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender 
%
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan 
%
"I'm gonna be a science fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!" -Fry 
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?" -Leela 
"Sure, I just like TV better." -Fry 
%
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
%
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable 
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
%
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
%
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela 
%
Fry: "Hey, professor, what are you teaching this semester?"
Prof. Farnsworth: "Same thing I teach every semester, the mathematics of 
quantum nutrino fields. I made up the title so that no student would 
dare take it."
Fry: "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals...." 
Prof. Farnsworth: "Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor."
%
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon 
%
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
%
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
%
 "Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp 
%
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
%
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met." 
%
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender 
%
"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial
intelligence and your sincerity simulator."
 -Countess de la Roca
%
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
%
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry 
%
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer." 
%
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca 
%
"Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to when we
almost..." (nebula gets sucked into the black hole) 
"Oop. Nevermind." -Fry
%
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense." 
%
Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite." 
Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite." 
%
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby." 
%
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother." 
%
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?" 
%
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps." 
%
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
%
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
%
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
%
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
%
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
%
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
%
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
%
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
%
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
%
Fry: What's with the eye?
%
Farnsworth: Oh my God!! 
Fry: What is it? 
Farnsworth: It's..It's...It's my new pager!
%
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
%
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
%
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
%
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
%
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
%
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
%
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! 
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space 
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
%
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
%
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
%
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" 
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today 
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees." 
%
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain." 
%
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing." 
%
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family." 
%
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
%
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
come quickly to his enemies." 
%
Human female: "The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is 
 also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less 
 fortunate." 
Morbo: "Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering." 
Human female: "Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots. 
Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they 
need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? 
Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them."