groucho-marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's
too dark to read.
Groucho Marx,The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A
best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was
fun'.
Groucho Marx
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
Groucho Marx
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Learn from the mistakes of others.  You can never live long enough to
make them all yourself.
Groucho Marx
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Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
Groucho Marx
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that,
you've got it made.
Groucho Marx
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I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T
WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Groucho Marx,Groucho and Me
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have
others.
Groucho Marx
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in my
pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
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Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew
them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb
does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx
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If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
Groucho Marx
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day,
and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
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I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a
decent meal.
Groucho Marx
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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can
choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived
yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx,The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Groucho Marx
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no
doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to
interfere.
Groucho Marx
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I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
Groucho Marx
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is
going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
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While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
Groucho Marx
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
of five.
Groucho Marx
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx
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Whatever it is, I'm against it.
Groucho Marx
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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a
woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book,
I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Groucho Marx
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
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Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of
extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All
you have to do is live long enough.
Groucho Marx
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Groucho Marx
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Time wounds all heels.
Groucho Marx
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Room service? Send up a larger room.

[A Night at the Opera]
Groucho Marx
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx
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I dont have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx
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Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
institution?
Groucho Marx
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to
hear it again
Groucho Marx
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx
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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you cant fool
around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth
from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest
deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among
thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
Groucho Marx
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Do you mind if I don't smoke?
Groucho Marx
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I must admit, I was born at an early age. 
Groucho Marx
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Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Groucho Marx
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I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
Groucho Marx
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The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
Groucho Marx
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
Groucho Marx,The Groucho Letters
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Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Groucho Marx
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
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Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think
it's you.
Groucho Marx
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I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx
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We'll meet at the theater tonight.  I'll hold your seat 'til you get
there.  Once you get there; you're on your own.
Groucho Marx
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Policeman: "A hermit eh?  Then why's your table set for four?"

Groucho: "That's nothing.  My alarm clock is set for eight."
Groucho Marx
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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of
intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to
educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at
6:30.
Groucho Marx,The Groucho Letters
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later
they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and
this is true.
Groucho Marx
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Groucho Marx
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Groucho Marx
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says
"yes" you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx
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I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the
head with it.
Groucho Marx
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
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Was that you or the duck?
Groucho Marx
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My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had
been one.
Groucho Marx
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
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I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.
Groucho Marx
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She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's
in love with me.
Groucho Marx
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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was
born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor
eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul,
began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx
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Hello, I must be going.
Groucho Marx
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If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!
Groucho Marx
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I'll teach you to kick me...'
You don't need to teach me--I already know how!
Groucho Marx
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Any place I hang my head is home.
Groucho Marx
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And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
Groucho Marx
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Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,
I came to say, I must be going.
Im glad I came, but just the same,
I must be going.
Groucho Marx
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All geniuses die young.
Groucho Marx
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Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.'
Groucho Marx
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have
the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Groucho Marx
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The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this
contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be
known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing
like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
Groucho Marx
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or
my luck's terrible.)
Groucho Marx,Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover
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You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Groucho Marx
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx
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Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!
Groucho Marx
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John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the
time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator
one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have
this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of
love at first sight...
Groucho Marx
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Groucho Marx
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Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
Groucho Marx,Groucho Marx
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My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
Groucho Marx
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All people are born alike... except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching
the wrong channel.
Groucho Marx
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With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank
Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Groucho Marx,Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover
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Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book - and
does.
Groucho Marx
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This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of
people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by
getting a law passed.
Groucho Marx
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That's bad luck: three on a midget.

From "At The Circus"
Groucho Marx
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Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
Groucho Marx,The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for, and about Groucho Marx
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Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
Groucho Marx
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
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I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me."
"What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.
Groucho Marx
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Trovo la televisione molto educativa. Ogni volta che qualcuno la accende, vado in biblioteca e leggo un buon libro.
Groucho Marx
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Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
Groucho Marx
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Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Groucho Marx,Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx,The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for, and about Groucho Marx
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       ..           
Groucho Marx
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I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll
dance with the cows and you come home."  

Groucho Marx was never one to
pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his
dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:
Groucho Marx
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You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have
been vaccinated with a phonograph needle."

[Duck Soup]
Groucho Marx
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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx
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I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
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Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
Groucho Marx,The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for, and about Groucho Marx
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Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend.
Inside of a dog it is to hard to read.
Groucho Marx
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
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I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A
MEMBER.
Groucho Marx
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You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
Groucho Marx
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Pije, by uczynic ludzi bardziej interesujacym.
Groucho Marx
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    .       ,        .
Groucho Marx
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Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer
Groucho Marx
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In spatele oricarui barbat de succes se afla o femeie, iar in spatele ei se afla sotia barbatului.
Groucho Marx
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
Groucho Marx
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Thanks Fiona S for this cracker...
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
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Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
Groucho Marx
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